Dear Weasley Family and Friends,
I decided that I needed a life is hard quote to begin this email and these are some of my favorites...
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order." - David Gerrold
"When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?" - Sydney J. Harris
I just laughed pretty hard after reading those which made me feel both witty and hopeful. I'm feeling all journalisty today which is probably why I just said witty. I guess we will see how this email goes. I was extremely excited to see that Shawn emailed me today. I was thinking this last week that it was about time, things were about bad enough that one should be popping up soon. I was actually thinking about asking for one. You see, I've re-read them a million times. I've read them to other missionaries. I love those letters. They always came when things were either really hard at the time or right before they were about to get harder. The last one came right before my first baptism date fell through. I remember reading it and being like "Well that's nice." and then the week actually started and everything hit the fan and I was clinging to that letter like it was my life vest. So, after this week I wasn't surprised to find a letter from Shawny Boo Boo, and thank goodness because I didn't have the guts to ask for one and I was running out of ideas for how to guilt trip him into it. Okay... now this is getting excessive. My point is, I'm grateful that prayers are answered, even if they are ones we haven't prayed.
I would like to say that this week was just a normal week, but lots of new developments have taken place. I think I probably had about 8 full out crying break downs. Some even the Elders got to be involved in. TJ and I fought a lot because of the stress of her going and me staying. I think we were both just mad to be splitting up, but also mad that we both weren't leaving. When I say that this area has taken its toll on me, I'm not kidding. I'm not sure what its been about but Sister Pitts, TJ, and I have all been pretty much at our whits end by the time we left. I really thought that I was there the week before so when I found out I was staying I was kinda like..... wait... I don't think I can go down any further.... But I guess I can :)
TJ left Wednesday morning and that was traumatic in its self. It was like going back a year ago when we were on our way to our first area with our trainer and I got left at the train station and they didn't. I remember the doors closing and both of our faces just in shock. That's pretty much what happened this time too. We were late and so she basically had to jump on. We were saying our goodbyes and the doors slammed shut and I was just left standing there just as confused and lost as I was a year ago. Man, I love that girl. Serving with her for 4 1/2 months straight was the best thing for me. It's funny how you find your best friends among the hardest things you do.
SoJO (Søster Johnson) came in a few hours later. I wasn't super thrilled, you guys know me and change, but I was ready for hopefully a fresh start. I think in my head I just wanted all the problems and the things I had going on in Tønsberg to be swept away. Spoiler alert: when you move 30 minutes down the road and still go to the same branch and still go to Tønsberg everyday for appointments, you're not really moving. So we drove back home and we spent the WHOLE day moving apartments with the Elders. Man, that was weird. Elder Rushton and I sleep in each other's beds now... not okay. And we still call each other's apartments "your apartment". Which brings up the question... wait my apartment now or my old apartment? Super confusing. But we had to take like 4 trips back and forth. It was fun though. I always love being able to be around the Elders. They keep me sane. I tried to pretty much hide the fact that I was crying all day from SoJO. I took a long shower and just sat there in cried. Spoiler alert: this shower doesn't have a 4th wall so you can just lay down while the water runs. I mean... not that I've done that or anything...
I did good at hiding how hard a time I was having until the second day. I got through most of comp study and then ALMOST all the way to the end of Språk (Lang) study and then the water works came and I cried and I cried and I cried. Then I asked to if I could call TJ. So I called her and then I cried and I cried and I cried. And I gave TJ two options. I said TJ, this area is my own personal Liberty Jail. I am either going home or I am calling President. TJ in all her glory said "Well if this is your Liberty Jail, then I will be your Hyrum and follow you wherever you go. I don't want to go home yet, so you can't go home, so why don't you call President." So after getting myself under control I gave President a call. It pretty much sucked. I mean Pres was way nice about it and really understanding, but I just feel like I am not humble enough for these situations. I definitely was then though. I felt like I didn't have any other options. I told Pres that I had tried everything. I had fasted, I had gotten blessings, I had prayed, and read my scriptures, and I had been the perfect missionary, but nothing was making me happy. I asked him if I could talk to Sister Perry, the counselor that TJ talks to, and he said he would call her and get everything set up for me.
So now I'm talking to a counselor... yep! I have become that missionary. Actually I don't really know what kind of missionary that makes me, but I know of a lot of them that I really look up to in this mission that are in counseling so I figured I might as well join the band wagon. I talked to her on Friday and then again today. It pretty much hurts like heck because I hate talking about all that stuff, but I know that it's good for me. I just have to start doing what she says. She pretty much told me that I'm angry and resentful all the time. I said, no I am a lady. I'm not angry, I'm sad. I think you're confused. Then she said, No you are just passive and don't want to think that you are capable of those emotions so you cover it up with sadness, but really you're angry. So then I stopped talking and I decided to just listen. She is a smart lady. Do I like what she is saying? No, but that's probably because I want to be perfect in all things. Which brings us to another part of my problem... but let's not turn this into too much a journal entry.
So yes Family, I'm at my whits end and I realized that I can't do another 7 months like this. I can't even do another week like this. And so I decided that I had to do something to change and I didn't know what, so I thought it would be best to ask Sister Perry for help. I think that it will be good for me. You know, you go on a mission and you think that just everything will go away. It's all about other people, so if you pray, fast, read your scriptures, and get blessings enough, it will all be taken away and you will just magically be able to do all the things the Lord wants you to do. You don't realize that you came on your mission for you. That you can do all the things the Lord wants you to do, but sometimes that isn't to contact this person or teach that lesson, but to change you, to help you figure out your own salvation. Sometimes he puts us in our own personal jails because He knows that that's the only time we will listen, that's the only time we will change. And that's where I'm at. Sister Perry said that my mission is the biggest gift God could give to me so that I could finally learn to work through the things I have had going on. She said He is given you this so you finally have time and the place to be angry, and you have a lot you should be or should have been angry about. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do, and what better place to do it then here on a mish? Can't be taking that stuff into marriage!
But, I don't want you guys to freak out. I wanted to tell you all because I want you to be apart of my life, and well this is kinda big. Plus, you all knew that I've always been crazy, so are we surprised? Things are really hard for me, I won't lie, but I know its for a reason, and I know that this is just the next thing I need to become who I was always meant to be. So don't you guys worry. I'm not coming home and I'm not going slit my wrists. Those are two important things. #depressionjokes #callmeemo #cantpaintmynailsblackbecauseimamissionary
The cool thing is that God has placed SO many people around me to help me. SoJO is great with my emotioness and I think honestly she needs it. She has a lot of things she is trying to figure out and a lot she holds inside, and I think my outwardness will help her figure out all her inwardness. She actually struggles with a lot of the same things I do, so I think it will be good. Might kill her, but its only 5 more weeks! TJ still texts me every day. She doesn't care when I need to talk to her, she is always there. Elder Rushton for the win though. It's like having Brent here and he's been way good about helping me through all the craziness. Sometimes you just need a boy to listen to you and nod his head. Am I right? It doesn't change in the mish, that's before. You just now have boys all around you that have to listen, because if not they will be forever pegged as that Elder that was dismissive. #rumorsspreadfast #ruinschancesofdatingsistershere #becarefulwhatyoudoelders
I'm working really really REALLY hard on being grateful for things. I have started a book where I write down all the things I am grateful for. It doesn't matter if they repeat or if they are stupid. I start each morning with writing down everything that comes to mind and then as the day goes on I add more. It's been cool and I am trying to change my focus a bit. It's been going well so far.
Mosiah 24.... the Lord is with us and strengthens us in our burdens, but that doesn't mean that he just takes us out of them. I love that chapter.
Bread and stones: Understanding the God We Pray to (best talk ever!)- https://devotional.byuh.edu/node/332
Well I am going to get going! The boys are on their way down and we are off to see a whale museum and have some dinner. I hope that you are all doing well. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers. I'm pretty sure the only reason I've made it this far is because of them! I love you guys!
Keep it real. Keep it classy. And may the odds be ever in your favor!